Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
