I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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