I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
