community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
sometimes you have to go after what you want
true. and i really want to cum
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.
That explains the nerd bow & arrow...
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2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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