Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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