Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
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