you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Randomize
