So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
