There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
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