you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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