I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
