Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
The sex definitely would have been a perk. But not sitting in a ditch was what I was going for...
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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