Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
