im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
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