At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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