Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
