he just said he was sorry he wasnt been able to come by more often coz things are really crazy with that girl
you mean his girlfriend
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
