all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
