It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
