i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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