Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
I'm currently being signed up to be painted nude for a college art class. ah yes best high decision ever
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Text me some of your sweat
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
