things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
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