Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
