We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
