So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Randomize
