That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
