Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
