when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Randomize
