my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
