I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I went through his pics. Will you go with me to get tested?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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