I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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