Welp...herpes.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
her facebook's as public as her vagina
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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