I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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