My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
