I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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