He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Randomize
