she pinky promised me she was 18
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
