I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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