the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Also I just learned you, Samantha, and I three-way made out at my Halloween party. News to me.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
there is puke in my bra ... again
I see more hoeing in ur future
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