I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
if i can run in heels then i can drive
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
