Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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