When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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