I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
