Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
