i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Randomize