I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Everyone says I win the strip club
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
