I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
