I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
He better not be in your backpack
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
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