So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
