this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
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I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
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I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
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