you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
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