he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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