so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
