She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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