WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
