i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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