So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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