Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
Randomize
