ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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